It's a lovely yellow

--

'What do you want?' He asked, as I ogled the lifejacket the stewardess had left on his chair. I reached for the red string, tugged at it strongly.

'It's just for show,' he said. 'It doesn't work.'

'Let's hope the others work better,' I said, disappointed the jacket hadn't inflated.

'Let's hope we don't have to find out,' he said, and laughed.

Stuff this in a sock, I'm leaving!

Cristina Sampaio

--

"If you are like me and dying for a cigarette, I would like to ask you to wait until you get to a designated smoking area. Do consider, gentleman smokers, that smoking can cause impotence. I would like to thank you for flying RyanAir on behalf of the captain, the co-pilot, and mostly the crew. That's me, Joao and Nuno, who is celebrating his 27th birthday today. As his mother told him this very morning, 'Nuno you are almost a man now.' Be careful, good luck, and as the other guy says, please be happy." - SuperMario, Stansted Airport

(In Dar-es-Salaam)

Everybody sat at the airplane and I was still at the boarding gate's security checkpoint.

‘And her? Is she your wife?’ Asks the officer who had been holding me up for the last ten minutes.

‘No, he is too young to marry.’

‘Definitely too young to marry.’ I say.

‘But marriage is a good thing!’ Says the first.

‘Yes, marriage is a good thing,’ I say, putting on my belt.

‘It brings many good things,’ he says.

‘Many good things.’ I say.

‘Marriage brings responsibility,’ he says.

‘Well, responsibility is still a big word for me.’

‘But you can not be the president if you are not married.’

‘And that is all the reasons that I ever needed.’ The airplane staff come to pry me away.

‘My friend, what about your shoes?’ I heard him shouting after me, but I was already too far down the sleeve to answer.

--

(In Gatwick, with security)

‘Oh, I don’t mind. As long as they don’t send me to Guantanamo for too long.’

‘Yeah, well, I hope you have your orange suit ready.’

‘Will I get my one phone call?’

‘Probably not, we take all your rights away.’

--

(In Gatwick, in a police interview with Mr. Abbot)

‘What do you usually use your bag for?’

‘Carrying stuff.’

‘Hmm. Ask a dumb question. And have you been in trouble with the Police in England before?’

Richard's head popped over the cantina's ledge.

'Are you ready?'

'Ready for what?'

'The plane's going after all. Are you ready?'

'No, brew, I haven't even packed!'

'The plane's leaving in fifty-three minutes and you're sitting there having lunch?'

Stereotypes are awesome.

--

Gatwick airport, lady at security checkpoint asked if I would allow her to test my hat. ‘Asking’ at an English airport is a very British courteous formality. Even so, I consented happily, seeing no trouble in this. She took me and the hat to a little counter and swiped my hat with white cloth.

‘Just checking for explosives, you see?’ She placed the cloth in a futuristic detector.

In my mind, images of an explosive straw hat (old Q’s design maybe) going out in a ball of fire, Hollywood slow-mo, shards and debris everywhere. I was very caught up by this vision. So when I said -

‘Wow. That would be so cool’ I wasn’t exactly thinking about what I was saying. The lady gave me a sideways quizzical look. The machine rung, vindicating. She returned my hat, I tried to explain, ‘No, that wasn’t what I meant’ but all I got in return was:

‘Uh-huh. Have a nice flight now.’

Day 1: Porto-Newark, Newark-Seattle

Photo taken at Newark Airport